04/28/2023 - 12:12pm - Friday

I came out. so far only to my roommates, but eventually, everyone. I keep wanting there to be an easy and funny way to say it but it's really not all that funny or easy. I'm a woman, always have been, probably always will be. There's doubt in my mind about if I can really do this, but my worries seem to just be about the difficulty of it and not in the validity of my claim. It feels right to be a woman, that's what I wanted all those years ago, I wanted to be called a girl, I wanted people to see me as a girl, but what stopped me was the fact that I simply wasn't. I was a boy, and my parents made that clear to anyone who said otherwise because I insisted that I was a boy. I guess I only insisted because I didn't think that it could be a reality, that I could be a girl. Women have been my safe space for my whole life, I gravitate towards them, seeing what they're all like, watching them be themselves. All the while I've never been myself, so many rules, made up or not, about what I can and can't do as a boy that have always seemed so asinine. I want to be cute. I want to be cute. I need to be cute. This almost feels like it came out of nowhere, or worse, that "I watched rupaul and it changed my life" which just sounds stupid. I'm sure rupaul hasn't had the least of effects on me, but I identified what I was years ago. I denied myself my own identity, denied it some more, kept it hidden even to myself, and ruined myself under the crushing weight of never being able to open up or be myself unless practically attached to someone else. But now I'm here, trying to make my manly (and I'll admit, quite cute) boy body look girly and feminine. I can't really do it, and feeling satisfied with it is going to be it's own challenge, but at least it's exciting. At least I have a reason to live another day.

03/28/2023 - 6:33pm - Tuesday

off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on
born to on, forced to off

I am feeling somewhere inbetween my 3/21 and 3/27 blogs.
is this mania? am I manic? what is that and does it have any relevance to my current or previous situation? I don't know!
what I do know, is that I wanna kill myself (note for anyone reading this: yes this is alarming, no I do not intend to actually kill myself, nor do I expect anything to come of the feeling. I am depressed! suicidal thinking is part of that awesome fun package).

other things I don't know: if I will be able to afford rent.
whatever anyone asks me about (even if I do technically know).
how to take photographs of people, particularly myself.
how to overcome my mental roadblocks.
do anything that I don't want to do when I want to do it without experiencing excruciating mental pain.

whatever who cares anywayssss I'll never be happy until I'm a woman.
id actually k though but there's no way for me to know if I would genuinely be happier as a woman unless I simply become a woman. and that shit ain't simple!!
hoping my coworkers aren't catching any of this ever when I write these directly in front of them. I'm just gonna make the text really small and hope they don't care enough to watch.

03/27/2023 - 7:04pm - Monday

doing wayyy better now than I was on that last post.
it was fucked up though, I hope it doesn't get that bad again for at least a few months, I don't wanna know how much worse it can get.
brought my keyboard to work and cleaned it. it was fun.
had a good day at school, talked with people for once and had a LOT of fun dancing. swing is cool :)
I also took the tiniest little bite of an edible before work (2:50pm) and am currently (7:08pm) quite high and it really wasn't that much. fun stuff!

03/21/2023 - 3:57pm - Tuesday

AAAH AAAAH AAAAAAH AAH
I can't just scream
things are going ok but they aren't really
I'm barely making enough, I'm trying to be ok or at least show others I'm ok, I don't really know.
even if I wanted to I can't even be myself
I struggle to help myself, but I am trying constantly
feels like an endless loop of suffering
I don't want to keep falling into holes
I don't want to hear my voice anymore

maybe I'm just fucking hungry

02/10/2022 - 7:18pm - Thursday

very happy with my recent work schedule, I know that when my paycheck comes, it's gonna be way less satisfying but I am just so much more able to relax and do other stuff that makes me happy. really hoping this is livable!! also it's been almost a month since my last post (sorry mina (if you're still even checking this page (lol))) and a bunch has happened! first off first off: new BMS! and while we don't have the BGA quite done(lora), I am happy that it's even gonna be done in the first place! if I don't make any more BMS for the rest of the year, I'm glad I made this one. second: Mina is officially moved in!!!!! we live together!!! our room!! it's ours!! it's our room for us!!!!! :OOOO makes me very happy.

01/18/2022 - 5:49pm - Tuesday

I it was me and mina's anniversary yesterday! we built a blanket fort and had (way too much) sex and I really love her a lot so much!! very excited for the future! currently at work cause I'm awesome and my mind is absolutely absent of further thought! I was playing metroid dread earlier though and having a great time, what a phenomenal game. glad I've been using this less, I think I might save this blog for some really epic swag megaposts.

??? sometime inbetween the next and the last (forgot to update?)

not much to say, today has been very good! so instead of writing nothing, I'm gonna write some haikus! (these will be put on my public blog as well)

forever working
toward thoughts stuck in the future
pee pee poo poo swag

ok I guess I only wrote one, happy travels!

01/11/2022 - 7:38pm - Friday

at the library, close to the end of a very strange day, my mask has been giving me a massive headache around the ear region due to tightness. Not sure what really to say cause I think if I say it I won't be able to tell mina all about it cause I'll have already spilt all the beans. I can certainly talk about how excited I am for Romantic BMS tho. very much! I can't wait to be engaged in BMS again, It's been so long. too long.
I wanna run a BMS event. I so badly want to do something to bring BMS to more people, and bring more depth to the community. I think that BMS needs to have some sort of economy involved, there are so many small communities that thrive off of small payments to help run events and that sort of thing, I think it would be really nice to have something like that. I think a good idea would be to have a more closed upload process w -- cut off by work, can elaborate.

01/07/2022 - 3:29pm - Friday

unbelievably depressed for someone who is otherwise full of energy and very happy. I took a meganap at mina's and I felt bad cause she wanted attention and I wasn't giving her any, praying it's just depression and not sickness, I would be inredibly sad if I got sick.

01/05/2022 - 4:01pm - Wednesday

holy moly, library has some weeeird people today, had to break out the secret blog to talk about it. although now that I'm here there's not much to say, just a lot of weird people giving off a lot of weird vibes, some loud talkers, etc. one guy got a shaver stolen yesterday and he came in and was pretty upset, but he actually seemed very reasonable so I was less annoyed by it. today is still going well though, sun hasn't set yet and I feel great. work at the hotel was really fun! I got to finish putting together the desk and I got to put together the chairs (minus one that came with a splintered leg) and then we took the table and couch from yesterday over to the office james and his girlfriend are working on. and I didn't have to clean a single room! there was also really really good chicken samwidges and fries, I took one home and ate it before heading to the library.
people are fun to talk to today, I feel a lot better than I've been feeling most of the week (maybe month) prior and I am very comfortable with my life right now! I feel bad I got home and still had go mode on but I didn't have any time to do anything productive besides empty the trash. I feel bad that I don't every leave time to communicate with either rowen or laura, or rather that I don't want to interrupt their lives to interject with what I feel like is irrelevant and obnoxious. I'm not sure that's a very concise thought but I've thought it a few times. ready to get home and laze, maybe do some gaming! I am very tired boy with no brain no cells left to think. look in my eyes and there is a hole lotta nothink! gimme some patterns and I will clicky clack away! pbbbt pbbt pbbbbbt. I believe the sun is currently setting... :thonk:

01/02/2022 - 3:24pm - Sunday

hallo! almost a whole week no blog! too bad! now I'm here to write away with all the riveting stuff that has happened in the time since I last wrote. for one, it's now a new year, and into 2022 we go with worse covid rates than ever :| so no arcade for a while, which is actually fine cause I was getting kinda bored with it. It gave me some good excuses to buy konaste games, specifically popn lively, which I was missing. anyways,, other than that I can't think of much interesting stuff, I'm sure I could talk about how I think about laura and rowen right now but it's not that interesting, they're just very different, "escapist" is a good word to describe I'd say, and I be judgin them cause that's incredibly against my value of being in the moment at all times. ok maybe it's a little interesting but I'm not that interested in explaining it, bored of thinking about it at this point. I'm feelin really weird rn, I ate too much and I napped (fool mistakes) and so I am shnoozy. it was really good food though, granpa hal and granma suzie came over to my parents house and it was really nice seeing them, especially now that I'm an adult, it was really cool. SWASWASWASWASWASWAS -- imagine that in an old TTS engine. blarf blarf blarf pbbtttbtbbtbtb. I think I am done writing this blog post, I just kept going a bit longer cause this keyboard is very nice (mina's, but I have the same brand). see you next one!

12/10/2021 - Friday

first day of mr blog. working at the library rn and It's almost excruciatingly boring here, hence why I'm writing. since it's my first post, I might as well remind the reader (me) what's up and recent and all that. I am currently 18, I'm dating a very lovely amazing girl named Mina De Araujo and I work at the Madison Marquette Hotel as well as the Hawthorne branch of the Madison Public Library. My current status is: depressed and hungry. I was previously at my house setting up the speakers for the TV and hanging out with Tony. It's a little stressful to hang out with him nowadays cause he's really depressed, and obviously so am I and so is Mina and so is Laura, etc, etc. But even so with Tony it's a lot harder because he doesn't communicate at nearly the amount that everyone else does, even Rowen. after work I head over to Mina's house, she seems really stressed and she has SATs tomorrow, I hope I can help her but I'm also kinda stressed because I don't have a car and my body hurts from walking everywhere. I really hope my body works fine. Does this count as a good first entry? It's not very long but It's pretty much what's going on right now. still thinking about cleaning that box fan, I would love to do some more mechanics.

APPEND 6:56pm = mina is evil. that's it. she's evil now. she sent me a picture of really really good looking food and as aforementioned I am VERY hungry... how could she do this to me, I want the food, but there is none for me... is it all for naught? how am I gonna help her if I'm hungry!? she's gonna be disappointed when she realizes she invited over a very grumpy boyfriend. >:(

12/11/2021 - 9:30am - Saturday

2nd day of blog facts. just had a very nice night with mina, she woke up at 6:30 and I think I let her wake me up just a bit too much for cuddles and support, but I fell back asleep and woke up at 8:15 per my alarm. I stayed on my phone and played beatstar and mario kart tour due to addiction as well as procrastination and ended up getting ready by 8:50. thankfully the walk to the library was only 12 minutes but I have to work 8 whole hours here, there's not even much to do. I guess I'm gonna spend that time "shelving" and "circ" but probably I'm just gonna be on this site all day. car probably fixed now but I don't have time to pick it up until after work, and then I have to go talk to my dad and do stuff and be motivated, blech. really glad I spent the night with mina btw, I was super grumpy and depressed and I was almost pushing her away but I pushed through it and ended up having a really good night (maybe I should increase my meds again.) next task after I'm done writing this is to rework the bms tab and the projects tab with a table and header, and probably update projects as well, so see you on the other side!

APPEND 11:15am: got a buncha site stuff done, this day is quite boring but I am not unhappy with it! My dad was trying to call me and he was annoyed I wasn't picking up but I reminded him I am working and he took mom to go get the car. It's probably fixed now! yay! I forgot to mention it snowed today, after raining basically all night, so it is mega slippery. I would love to head to chicago tomorrow to pick up mina's present (and go to the arcade) but I'm pretty worried about the weather... I can see it being just fine on the highway, but in the case that it's not, I'm worried.

APPEND 12:31pm: added the "secret" page, basically the funo footer heads to ./secret and the title says "the secret is incomplete" basically prompting a perceptive user to complete the page with ".html" and that is the whole hint. while I'm okay with anyone reading this (hello!), It's not something I want every single person to find.

APPEND 5:45pm: man, absolute dumpster fire moment, I accidentally deleted the style.css content... gonna have to redo a lot of it...

12/12/2021 - 10:02am - Sunday

third day! probably the last day I'm gonna count how many days I've blogged. the disaster yesterday was rough but I ended up having a nice night at my parent's and mina slept over! I know it happens a lot but it's still exciting for me :). the stupid website thing is gonna keep me away for a bit but I might still work on gayrecipes because it's pretty fun. today we're gonna to to milwaukee!! I'm very excited to pick up mina's present and I'm also excited to play some games! I'm pretty glad we don't have to go to chicago in this weather, I would be pretty sad and worried if we had to go there but the stock of the thing I wanna get for mina is out in IL and is only available in oak creek WI so it's actually pretty convenient, that drive to chicago is really rough, bad weather or not! me and mina watched mean girls this morning and I'm realizing how poorly it is gonna age later on and that I'm still gonna really like it.

APPEND 11:37pm: today was a mixed bad but I think overall it was pretty good. I had a lot of fun at the arcade with mina and I'm really happy about the gift I got for her!! so excited about it! mina had a hard time at the arcade and I think she wanted to tell me what was up but ended up supressing it and that made me feel sad, I want her to be upfront and feel valid whenever she had a problem! the way her trauma affects the way she acts is really intense, I think I'm doing my best to help her and I'm communicating really well! I'm not sure she knows how nosy I want her to be sometimes.

12/13/2021 - 3:25pm - Monday

its monday! started my shift at the library, it's a bit busy but not impossible to handle. just worked with laura at the hotel, and while I enjoy working with her sometimes I feel like she doesn't have the same ludicrously committed work ethic that I do, either that or I actually enjoy the work wheras she doesn't. idk what I'm picking up on but I don't like it and I'm hoping I just forget about it. been a whole week since I last worked all day and I'm kinda glad I'm back to it, although I'd appreciate having time to do other things, but I'm somehow unbothered. I'm still very excited about mina's gift, I bet she's reading this so I'll try not to get her hopes up, it's not a life-changing gift or anything but I think she's really gonna like it! I never talked about it in yesterday's post, but I did some modding of the taiko controller and it has been driving me fucking insane!! I think the cork is too thick and it leaves the don sensors pressed to hard against the drum cover, and so I'm gonna have to sand it most likely, because I think putting the default foam back in is just gonna be a waste of time and a waste of finger energy (taking the cover off and putting it back on really really hurts!) so I'm just gonna get that all done on thursday when I hang out with rowen and sam. p excited for that btw, three chuudens in a room, anything could happen... alright anyways I'm sure I'll update this later today, but I got a buncha circ to do so that where I'm ending this entry.

APPEND 7:26: lovely, I got the BMS tab mostly redone, I just need to add some images and it'll be perfect. I've been looking up ways to print my own CDs, I think making inner cover and such would be really really fun. write some lyrics, make some music, I'm just thinking about it... I want to hold my art in my hands. I feel like my generation could totally be into physical media but the more I think about it the more I feel like I'm one of the few people my age who really have a passion and love for being able to own someone's music in a physical way, streaming services are amazing because they allow you to listen to so much music at such a low cost with playlist features etc etc but even with all that you don't get to own a visual representation of someone's vision. people listen to albums less and less nowadays but I don't think it's because streaming services are just THAT much of a game-changer, I think that without all the extra art, lyrics, information, and packaging included in most CDs, there is just less of a draw to albums, I could easily spend hours just listening to an album on repeat and soaking in all the cool stuff in the case, I wish that appreciation could either be reinvigorated in today's age, or we start seeing some REALLY nice digital extras. still, nothing beats having your favorite music right there on your shelf...

12/14/2021 - 6:11pm - Tuesday

took a while to get to this entry, but hello to all of my readers! (mina) today's been pretty uneventful as always so I'm gonna talk about cooler stuff than what happened today, although I do gotta mention, I really loved waking up with my girlfriend today, it was really peaceful and I wish every day could be like that. anyways, my keyboard came in today! if today was just a good day, now it's a great day! seriously this thing is swag, I'm currently typing on it and it is actual magic. It took 6 whole months to ship but now that it's here it was absolutely worth. I'm gonna attach a photo up above of the keyboard and make it have an error in the editor to remind myself to upload it lol. I also have some SATA cables coming in so I can use the DVDRW drive on the living room pc. I wanna burn my latest album to a disc and maybe do some printing, but it seems like a lot of work, maybe I'll just have a lot of fun planning about it. working for this long is pretty exhausting so I'm glad these site shenanagins have been keeping me busy, I'm also very glad the library just runs standard windows PCs cause I've been able to sneak a lot of software on here lol. obviously I only download stuff to one of the computers (the right circ one, that's why I like it so much) and I don't have admin access but if you just get the "portable" versions you can run them like normal, I did the doobmania cover art background on here and I'm sure I'll do more in the future. btw I'm really impressed by how quiet this keyboard is, my current keyboard is loud as fuck but this is only kinda lou, v cool!

APPEND 7:18: ah, the image is quite large. (now fixed but it was pretty funny)

12/15/2021 - 7:23pm - Wednesday

so very late for this one... I have a good amount to say but not much time to write it so I'll just list the highlights:

• IIDX event is out and the unlocks are very good
• I am very very tired and sore
• I did a lot of good work on mina's website
• I was funny on twitter today
• I am VERY hungry and have not eaten since breakfast

that's all for now, hopefully I remember to update when I get home, otherwise see you next time... :)

APPEND 11:55: my goodness I took a while to get to it, but here's the rest of my log. most of the day has passed by now and I'm glad about it. Me and mina had really good sex at my house and I'm really happy about it, I'm feeling a lot better than I did earlier today, I had multiple headaches and I really did not feed myself well. I just did a little bit of advertising for my album again like I've been wanting to, also the dvdrw came and I can do things with discs again!! idk why I love discs so much but I'm absolutely enjoying it. I listened to all the new IIDX songs now and wow. incredible. genuinely some of the best content ever to be released for this game. there's even a foon song. a foon song! in IIDX! ????! anyways I look forward to what the rest of casthour has in store. I'm also excited for mina's site, I think she's gonna really love it when I'm finished with it.

12/16/2021 - 9:23pm - Thursday

today was sick, I worked at the hotel which is whatever but after work, sam and rowen showed up and it was just amazing! I'm super glad I met sam because he is super passionate about iidx and taiko and I rarely get to meet people who have even near the amount of knowledge I do about these games and it makes me really happy \(- v -)/ I can't wait to play some more iidx video game with sam and rowen and I can't wait to get these taiko controllers modded properly!! this shit is frustrating!! it's all fucked and stupid and idk why it doesn't work and what I'm doing wrong!! praying when I get it put back together after cleaning and drying off I can get at least my controller to work. I might have to clean sam's too :( we did a lot of cork sanding today and got it fucking EVERYWHERE, we really coulda done that part in the basement... but whatever I think they're at a good thickness now (hopefully!) and if I put it all back together and it doesn't work I'm just gonna cry. jk but I'll probably just have to buy new rubber, also I really wish I knew where that default foam pad went cause I'd love to put it back in.

12/17/2021 - 3:33pm - Friday

AAAAAAH, AAAAAAAAAAH, :| :| :| :| :| :| :| AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA literally I was having such a good time playing djmax and random mobile games and I come to the library and it is literally awful today! not much is actually happening but I just cannot relax and I dislike it very strongly. I cannot wait to be done with this shift oh my god. telling myself the weekend is almost here the weekend is almost here the weekend- I'm not going crazy.... ? I will be honest they do have donut and cookie here so that is a small w. EDIT: changing the way I do "appends" I'm just gonna add to the previous paragraph with an "EDIT:" signifier unless it's been "long enough" which basically means I get to decide, it's not that important but because mina reads these I'm giving a reason so that she knows it's possible some time passed between sentences within a paragraph (cause usually I timestamp them.) so what I was gonna say was some guy just checked out the fucking donkey kong show (it's actually just a compilation of a few epidodes packaged as a movie, weird) and I didn't even know that was something we would have at the library. cover below:

12/20/2021 - 4:31pm - Monday

hello! long time no write! I had a pretty good weekend and never wrote here due to not thinking about it, oops! not like It's the end of the world. this weekend was really great (punctuated by a few pretty awful and difficult moments as always) and I wish I could recount it all, but it's all sufficiently lost in my head. I'm really happy with how much time I spent with mina, but I'm worried that I left laura in the dust. I am super tired rn and would like to sleep, I think I kinda messed up my sleep schedule and I gotta like repair it or whatever. maybe after work I'll go do some shopping, I'm feeling incredibly poor rn but we need milk and butter and other things and I would like to show that I'm thinking about the house. I think part of the issue is that while I enjoy living with laura, I also want to live with mina, having them both at different places means I'm constantly bouncing back and forth and it means I'm spending energy on both houses. I could just do one house and it would be way better. v excited for mina moving in soon! I love that girl! I would really love to only have one job rn, doing this double job thing is so stressful, I could do so much more if I only had one... I need to do some math.

12/21/2021 - 4:53pm - Tuesday

currently having an incredible day! no reason, just feeling great, work at the hotel was totally awesome, I'm excited for tomorrow, I'm having fun at the library, big wins today! finally got my album on discogs (basically just for myself lol) and now I really wanna have a physical release. also I downloaded my music collection on my phone and it's swag as fuck. I love being able to listen to bemani music on the go, I still can't believe none of it is on spotify, drives me insane. short entry today, not much to complain about! EDIT: literally just remembered that laura is having a terrible time and is currently at rowen's house, not sure what that's about and she hasn't really talked to me yet about what's going on :shrug: can't do much about it so currently not that worried about it, but hope everything is okay.

12/23/2021 - 6:51pm - Thursday

so today has been actually really incredible, got to wake up with mina and I have been alert, awake, and happy all day! except... for today at the hotel, laura seemed like she was doing really awful. and it is really frustrating the way she communicates, which is to say she doesn't. like ever. and It's not like I never poke her about it, it's just that we literally haven't been in a room together just us for like a million years and we haven't been able to talk and I literally don't know why. and even when I poke her like 7 times today asking what was up, she just said "oh it's been a bad week", or when I asked if there was anything I could do to help she just said no and like I understand if we were at work and it was a bad time to ask and she was not able to respond without it being a problem but at the very least I would hope she would tell me that instead of barely saying anything. and then literally not looking at me. I feel like she also thinks that I'm somehow judging her whenever I correct her or remind her about the order of stuff at the hotel, which drives me insane because literally why would I do that!? she's new! in what world would I expect her to know everything? and maybe she feels bad that she's giving me extra work, which is true, but I am actively just trying to teach her all the weird stuff. frustrating!! id even k what to do, I just wanna talk to her! if I can't talk to her soon I'm just gonna give up poking her. :/
anyways, otherwise really great day, I've felt very capable if that makes any sense, and with so much fookin money having come in I feel very stable and way less stressed. I'm also gonna push myself this pay period to spend way less. I'm gonna allocate only about 80 for spending so I better make it count. (maybe I should keep track of my gift expenses too...) v excited for boba when I get home, my girlfriend is amazing! also really wanna get her over to my parents to do some puzzle action, I think they would really appreciate the visit, and so would I (gati!)

12/27/2021 - 3:24pm - Monday

woo! been a bit since the last one...
to catch you up, it was just christmas weekend and rowen and laura got me a fuckin OG XBOX and I'm creamin about it, playing jet set radio future and such, a really good gift that I am incredibly enjoying.
also, I think I have a better understanding of the way laura communicates, I'm so glad we were able to talk sunday (yesterday) cause I woulda been so sad if we hadn't. while we were talking she told me about the fact that sometimes I'm way too competitive and interrupt people and get really intense and stressful and I was not aware that I do that. so it's a good thing to keep in mind. I had a really good weekend overall though and in addition to the xbox, I also got a buncha overseas candy, a sick little soft plush cat that is really cute, tea (don't know where it is!), a trash can, an excercise mat, 20 bucks, and lots of food!
I just came from work, and I got to listen to a shit ton of iidx music while washing dishes (god I love that game) and james also told me he's bumping me up to $17 an hour!! I know that working 2 jobs is hard but I might never stop now... anyways, on to work! thank you for reading!